tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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