I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
