she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
