does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
