If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Who died my cat blue again?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
