he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize