everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
