Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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