dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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