I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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