i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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