Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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