her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
