fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
