We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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