True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
