im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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