I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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