If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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