If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
