youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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