I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
