I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
