i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
