did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
