the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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