Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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