New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
