I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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