Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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