I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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