DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
