She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
