look no pants
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
