i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
