you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
