upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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