Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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