I'm so fucking centered right now
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
