but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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