you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
not ubering you a puppy
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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