Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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