If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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