she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
