the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
