My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
