WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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