2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
