I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
