It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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