I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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