he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
