I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
