I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
