she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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