Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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