i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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