I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
