So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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