I'm so fucking centered right now
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
